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sing and dance to an audience of ONE

we all have wounds…wounds that come very early in life….and we all respond in different ways to cope with those wounds…when there is abuse, especially sexual abuse, the effects are horrendous.  I had years of it….and my means of coping was to make everyone happy, not stir the pot, so to speak and fade into the woodwork….my identity became what others said i was and what i could meld into to make someone like me or just not hate me~or abuse me.  i didn’t see this for a very long time…it had, in essence, become my addiction….to make everyone around me happy and take care of everyone.

this went on for many, many years and i would like to say it stopped when i became a christian.  but the nasty truth of it was that it got worse…so, so much worse…i tried to cover the dirty-ness with appearances, facades, and works.  i was the ‘ask ginny, she’ll do anything’ person.  i was known for my ‘servant’s heart’ and my quickly taking responsibilities and jobs that no one else would do.  i was trying hard to make people like me and please those around me.  and i was miserable.  i thought my misery would go away the more i worked at it and the more i stayed busy….

god used some dire circumstances to open my eyes and heart to what HE wanted from me and for me….i have 9 children….after the 9th, i became pregnant with and lost #10 3 times….the second time, i began hemorrhaging and almost died…i was broken hearted, but the worst of it was that during this time my husband decided he did not want our family any longer.  i fought for 2 years and lost.  i had to ask my husband to leave when it became abusive…realizing our home had already been in that state for a long time, but was just now healthy enough to see it for what it was…..when ‘the church’ heard what was ‘going down’, i was given books to read, conferences to go to and advice.  and was told i was in rebellion to do ask him to leave (not intending divorce, just wanted him healed and to take responsibility for his own healing).  i also had to decide to put my children in school (which after 18 years of schooling them–was traumatic itself)….i had a battle in that~from the homeschooling community to the public schools~nothing i could do would please anyone….god began showing me HE was the ONLY one i needed to please….HE was the ONLY one that i would stand accountable to when i got to heaven.  it has not been easy~not by a stretch~and i am not advocating ANYone doing what i have had to do…but i do know GOD has led me this far and i have learned to not take a step (okay, I am still working this one out) without HIS telling me TO do it and WHEN and WHERE to do it.  I call it putting blinders on~like a horse with blinders…i have to put my blinders on to shut out the noise of the world and well meaning people to hear the voice of MY GOD.

today I am linked up with chattingattheskyaholyexperienceshout laugh and love and sweet shot tuesday

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christy - July 6, 2010 - 12:21 am

Wow, your words cut straight to my heart. I am so sorry lived through all these hardships, but they do give us perseverance (James 1). It’s not easy having to go through those rough times… I know that full well… but I like to revel in the fact that the Lord is not through with me yet, and that I am His workmanship. I take comfort in knowing that my hardships and strife are not for naught… but for a purpose. Romans 8:28… I know HE will use them for good… and He will do the same for you. I pray that the Lord gives you HIS peace that passes all understanding through the absence of your husband. I pray that the Lord will restore, heal, bind your broken heart (Psalm 147:3), reclaim, and rebuild your life through the rockiness.

Be blessed sister in Christ
ps. you have beautiful children… I can’t imagine having 9… I only have 3… how did you do it? and homeschool?

Southern Gal - July 6, 2010 - 12:26 am

You describe what so many struggle with for so many different reasons. Praying for you now to be able to keep your eyes on Him.

The Daily Wyatt - July 6, 2010 - 3:04 am

I know how you feel I was raped when I was 8 years old by my brother and I didn’t tell anyone about it only a journal that was later read by my sister who then confessed to me that she was also dealing with the same issue which then we told our parents it wasn’t until then that I went and got help. now the church didn’t help me it hurt me in the end just because of the people I dealt with but what helped me move on sorta was the fact that I didn’t want to be that person who was so afraid of life and love I moved on with hard trails and I still to this day have hard ships over this which my husband can tell you all about. but I believe that yes indeed god will always be there and that he test us in ways we have no idea that we can handle and each day is new and each day it will be easier. just hold on and you will come out in the end with the overwhelming understanding that you are strong and very much capable to do ANYTHING! good luck and you are not alone.

Stacey - July 6, 2010 - 7:19 am

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus – who is the author and perfector of our faith. Heb 12:2

May you only see Him. Praying for you right now,

suzannah @ so much shouting/laughter - July 6, 2010 - 9:14 am

i love the image of an audience of one. there is such freedom in letting go of the worry of what others think, but it is a constant discipline.

i’m so sorry at how little support you received from the church in your darkest times. i pray that we can do more listening, wrestling, and weeping and less doling out quick fixes and easy answers.

grace and peace

Jennifer - July 6, 2010 - 10:02 am

After everything you have been through… you knew to follow God, trust and depend on Him. That HE was the one that matters most. That is a powerful story of faith. Thank you so much for sharing. And just look what you have… those BEAUTIFUL smiling children who are now going to know how to listen to God!


Susan - July 6, 2010 - 12:40 pm

A beautiful photo and a story of God turning ashes to gold(which HE will DO). You will never go wrong in listening to Him only.

Terri - July 6, 2010 - 12:49 pm

Thank you for the honesty. There is power in the truth. I needed that today.

diXymiss - July 6, 2010 - 2:26 pm

Precious image ~ perfect caption ~ poignant message.

Lori @ Couponomic Stimulus Package - July 6, 2010 - 4:19 pm

Wow what a powerful message. I love the image of putting on blinders to what men say and only focusing on God. It breaks my heart when going through rough times people can be harsh and unloving, instead of showering that person in grace and love. Unfortunately this happens quite a bit in ‘Christian’ communities. You have such a wonderful testimony, I’m so glad God led me to read this today as I’m suffering with wanting to be ‘perfect’ also. Thank you.

Susan - July 6, 2010 - 8:06 pm

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1

Lord I lift up this precious sister to you. Give her wisdom, give her understanding a heart that trusts safely in you. Uphold her, comfort her, go before her in the days to come.
Surround her with your love, and give her songs in the nights.
Let her hear your voice like never before. In Jesus name…

Thanks for sharing this. I pray God will use what you’ve gone through to help bring freedom and healing to others as well. He is with you, always?

ginny - July 6, 2010 - 8:10 pm

susan, thank you!!! That truly is my hearts desire….to help others who have walked a hard path….I hope to be of some encouragement….

ginny - July 9, 2010 - 10:30 am

suzannah–thank you for your encouraging words….the great part of the story is that this is only PART of the story and that God USED that lack of support to turn me to HIM….My heart now, is that I learn from that and can be an encouragement, help and support to others living in a messy world. My hope is that I can learn to help others turn their hearts to HIM and not to man…..more of the story to come :)

sarah - July 13, 2010 - 12:23 am

thank you for sharing. just the starting of being able to open up is part of the process of healing and figuring out the path we were meant to follow but, it is not always a smooth path and at times can be a very lonely world without faith.

i love your photo. where did you get the tutu?

please visit my blog and website. http://www.littlecitizensoftheworld.blogspot.com http://www.melondot.etsy.com

ginny - July 13, 2010 - 6:58 am

thank you sarah! I hope my sharing will encourage someone to take the walk of faith–even when its lonely….we are never alone….the picture: I took it. I have taken all pictures on here–except one coming up and I can NOT for the life of me figure out how I can get a picture of what God has put on my heart…..I will go visit you now :)

Debbie - July 20, 2010 - 9:37 am

Ginny, you are a gifted writer and photographer. You have a gift of communication and an amazing story to share of God’s redemptive and restorative love. Thank you for your transparency and humility to allow God to shine through you, in spite of all of the pain of your past. You are an amazing woman of God and a trophy of His grace. You do, and will continue, to bring great hope and light to those who hear your story. Keep up the great work. I admire you greatly!! Love and blessings to you and yours…..

ginny - July 20, 2010 - 9:40 am

Debbie–your words mean more than you will ever know. It has been such a long hard road, and God had told me to be faithful with what He has given me…I am really just trying to be obedient. Of course, I want this to be used by Him to encourage others, but if nothing–I know I am walking in obedience to HIM….

bless you!!! Really….this brings me to tears….

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