we all have wounds…wounds that come very early in life….and we all respond in different ways to cope with those wounds…when there is abuse, especially sexual abuse, the effects are horrendous. I had years of it….and my means of coping was to make everyone happy, not stir the pot, so to speak and fade into the woodwork….my identity became what others said i was and what i could meld into to make someone like me or just not hate me~or abuse me. i didn’t see this for a very long time…it had, in essence, become my addiction….to make everyone around me happy and take care of everyone.
this went on for many, many years and i would like to say it stopped when i became a christian. but the nasty truth of it was that it got worse…so, so much worse…i tried to cover the dirty-ness with appearances, facades, and works. i was the ‘ask ginny, she’ll do anything’ person. i was known for my ‘servant’s heart’ and my quickly taking responsibilities and jobs that no one else would do. i was trying hard to make people like me and please those around me. and i was miserable. i thought my misery would go away the more i worked at it and the more i stayed busy….
god used some dire circumstances to open my eyes and heart to what HE wanted from me and for me….i have 9 children….after the 9th, i became pregnant with and lost #10 3 times….the second time, i began hemorrhaging and almost died…i was broken hearted, but the worst of it was that during this time my husband decided he did not want our family any longer. i fought for 2 years and lost. i had to ask my husband to leave when it became abusive…realizing our home had already been in that state for a long time, but was just now healthy enough to see it for what it was…..when ‘the church’ heard what was ‘going down’, i was given books to read, conferences to go to and advice. and was told i was in rebellion to do ask him to leave (not intending divorce, just wanted him healed and to take responsibility for his own healing). i also had to decide to put my children in school (which after 18 years of schooling them–was traumatic itself)….i had a battle in that~from the homeschooling community to the public schools~nothing i could do would please anyone….god began showing me HE was the ONLY one i needed to please….HE was the ONLY one that i would stand accountable to when i got to heaven. it has not been easy~not by a stretch~and i am not advocating ANYone doing what i have had to do…but i do know GOD has led me this far and i have learned to not take a step (okay, I am still working this one out) without HIS telling me TO do it and WHEN and WHERE to do it. I call it putting blinders on~like a horse with blinders…i have to put my blinders on to shut out the noise of the world and well meaning people to hear the voice of MY GOD.