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i LOVE my children…i am sure there are moms who really don’t, but I am not one of them and I really don’t know many who don’t.  problem is, for me, i don’t show it to them enough….sure, i read the bible with them, and clean their clothes and make sure they have good food to eat and make every possible attempt get them to bed on time, and these things speak of loving them, but when it comes to down right showing affection toward them, I fail miserably.

i didn’t even realize i did this until one day, a friend said something about kissing my boys….and i had this blank stare in response.  my friend repeated himself…he said, you know, when you kiss your kids….and i looked at him with sad revelation:  i don’t didn’t kiss my kids once they were past the infant/toddler stage.  i had to think through it as to why and realized that, because my abuse started around the 2-3 year old mark, i didn’t see my children as needing {wholesome} affection from me….it seemed wrong.  i purposed that day to change things.

I went home and began kissing and hugging my kids….at first, they balked and even refused my attention. the revelation of what i had missed and what i was depriving my children of came when i kissed my oldest son~when i felt his beard under my lips, i realized that i had last kissed him as a baby and now i was kissing a man….i literally broke down in tears over that loss……i pressed on, heartbroken that this is was the result of my actions (or lack thereof).  one day, the kids were teasing me about how ‘kissy’ i had become.  it bothered me, but i realized i was looking for their approval and not god’s…i kept on….i also had to realize that although they were talking like they didn’t like it….secretly they were LOVING it….

well, 4 years later, i can say that i have become way more affectionate than i ever have been in my life….my kids still don’t get all the kisses and hugs i would like to give them and probably not near enough for them to know how much i do love them (expressed in that way), but we have come soooo far….i have kids now that feel they can ask for a kiss if they need one or come up and hug me without even thinking about it…..i know this may seem peculiar to some, but it has become an act of worship for me to learn to lavishly and with abandon love on my family….

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deb @ talk at the table - June 22, 2010 - 5:58 pm

this is unbelievable beauty. photo and words..

( catching up tonight)

[…] i was sitting outside gathering all my things in the van for the shoot and he was putting things on his trailer.  we talked for the first time…by ourselves…alone that day.  i don’t really remember too much what we talked about, but i do remember telling him how much god had done and was doing in my heart and that i was learning to be affectionate with my kids due to abuse issues on my part. (you can read more about that here) […]

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